TWILIGHT by Stephenie Meyer
DO NOT READ THIS BOOK. DON'T DO IT. IF IT'S TOO LATE, TRY TO ERASE THE MEMORY OF THIS BOOK FROM YOUR LITERARY REPERTOIRE. IF YOU OWN THE BOOK BUT HAVE NOT YET READ IT, DONATE IT TO THE NEAREST USED BOOKSTORE OR BONFIRE PIT. IF YOU HAVE NEVER READ THE BOOK, ACT OFFENDED BY MERE MENTION OF IT AND WEAR T-SHIRTS TO BOOKSTORES EXCLAIMING DRASTIC MESSAGES ALONG THE LINES OF "NEVER READ TWILIGHT, EVER"
Okay, so you may be wondering why I am so passionate about this. I, Amanda Ascoli, have indeed read Twilight. In fact, I got all the way to Breaking Dawn one particularly rainy beach vacation before I woke up and realized the literary crime I was committing. It took my dad pulling the book out of my hands and reading an excerpt aloud to me before I realized how terrible the writing was, how unrealistic the dialogue and how ridiculous the characters were. Twilight is some sort of odd literary crack. It's as though Stephenie Meyer has roofied her readers so that they can't get enough of her mediocre writing, and, in turn, enough of Robert Pattinson's pale and sickly looking visage. Don't even get me started on Kristen Stewart (1-800-TERRIBLEACTOR).
I'll give it to Stephenie Meyer- the chick is creative. Her storyline is definitely...original. Girl moves to depressing small town, girl meets boy, girl falls in love with boy, boy is vampire, girl meets other boy, other boy is werewolf and rival of vampire boy, girl is forced to choose between skinny pale guy and ripped tan guy (and makes the wrong decision, as far as I'm concerned), girl marries vampire, girl gives birth to vampire child, girl becomes vampire, former werewolf flame falls in love with vampire baby, everyone lives happily every after is not exactly a storyline we've all heard before. So mad props, Steph, for your creativity.
But come on. Edward, the boy-vampire that has adolescents and middle-aged women alike swooning over his antics isn't even that great. He's hyper-protective, in one scene going as far as buckling Bella's seatbelt for her. Seriously? If some guy tried to buckle my seatbelt for me I'd let him know what's up. He basically forbids her from hanging out with werewolf hottie/super fun friend Jacob because of petty jealousy disguised as "looking out for Bella's best interests." And Bella loves it! She eats it up! The hyper-protectiveness, all of it. The coolest thing Edward does is drive a kick*ss car, and yeah, I get it, I wouldn't mind rolling up to my high school in one of those bad boys either. But his controlling tendencies and over-the-top protectiveness are demeaning and suggest Bella is lesser and weaker than he is. His constant worry about the her decisions is indicative of a lack of trust.
And then...they get married. At ages 18 and 17. With no plans to attend college. Cool, guys. Oh, except I guess you're going to live forever so you'll have plenty of time to attend college...sweet. I'm so jealous you're going to live forever and have to watch everyone you know and love die and you are possessive of super powers that give you a strength that can kill people. Damn. Wish I was a vampire...oh wait, I don't. And then Bella, in a weird twist, gets pregnant, and the whole thing goes all vampire Teen Mom, all the while being written in a style that is elementary and over-descriptive.
I think I've made my point. Twilight...just don't do it.
While I must admit that I sometimes enjoy the Twilight series, I do agree with you about Edward's protectiveness being slightly over the top. I found it slightly annoying and I know that if some boy ever did that to me, I, like you, would tell him whats up
ReplyDeleteHaha that was hilarious. Obviously I would never consider reading Twilight before reading this, but now I'm going to consider telling people not to read it.
ReplyDeleteI just want to say that this post is hilarious, and accurate. I could not agree with you more! Many of my friends were obsessed with Twilight in high school and it drove me crazy. It was not written well at all. Stephenie Meyer has this really bad habit of repeating words that sound intelligent, which drove me crazy through the whole book. I could never understand how my friends that sat next to me in AP Lit could be sucked into something so poorly written.
ReplyDeleteFirst off, I really enjoyed this blog and found myself laughing out loud a couple times....
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with you and the only reason I ever watched the twilight movies was to get a good laugh out of it. The acting is so bad! Kristen Stewart is boring, Robert Pattinson is just dull and not even that cute. The only good thing in the movie is Taylor Lautner and Bella doesn't even choose his character....lame. Luckily, I have never even picked up the book, nor do I plan too. I have nothing against the author or anything, it's just something I'm not interested in reading.
Anyway, your writing style is really great in this blog and I'm always here if you want to bash on twilight, I do it all the time.
I completely agree about your claim that Stephenie Meyer "roofied her readers" I experienced the same Twilight phenomenon. My friends all cautioned me from reading it, but one rainy day I saw the book in my younger sisters room, picked it up and lost all control. I could not put the book down until I had finished it. However when I completed the book, I felt that I had gotten nothing out of it. I did not teach me anything and instead felt like I had just heard a juicy story from one of my friends for the past two hours. While I do agree that Meyer has a unique ability to captivate her readers there is no "feeling" or lesson that her readers walk away with. And I also fully agree that Bella made the wrong decision picking Edward, especially after (sadly) going to see the first movie.
ReplyDeleteI could not stop laughing when I read this. I completely agree with you. Although I have not read Twilight, I have no intention of feeding in to the craze. It amazes me that there are idiots out there who are OBSESSING over vampires and werewolves. I understand that we need entertainment in this world, but seriously?...we can't do any better than Twilight?? I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. Your personality is incredibly apparent, and it definitely makes your blog extremely fascinating. Great job!!!
ReplyDeleteHahaha I loved this. I love Twilight but at the same time I am ashamed of being obsessed with it. Guilty pleasure!! Great post!
ReplyDelete